Quotes by Stephen, Vol. 1

Ok, before you read these and come to the conclusion that I am the most pretentious, egotistical person alive, well....I'm probably not the MOST...



"I'm convinced candy corn is continued to be sold as simply a novelty item."



"What the heck is wheat germ for? It can't be anything important."



"Did anyone in the world like the show Fraiser? I don't understand how a show so "smart" and "brainy" and "not-funny" could stay around so long? I watched it once for like 5 minutes and fell asleep."



"How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? 49,332. Problem solved."



"Why aren't pickles called pickled cucumbers?"



"I tried to make my own grapes today. I think there is more to it than grapes and sunshine."



"If you plant a coconut, what happens?"



"I will never like the Ramones. Ever."



"I wonder if there was ever a war between English muffins and French fries."



"Everything these days is pro-Vampire. I'm getting sick of it. Time for a new bandwagon, America."



"Some days I long for exotic roadkill. Like a zebra. Or a parrot."



"There are horror Harlequin romance novels. I don't want to live on this planet anymore."



"Free food is always good. Rhymed. Unintentional."



"I have a love/hate relationship with pet stores."



"A special bond is formed when you hydroplane in a car with 5 guys and almost die."



"Anybody remember the show Step by Step. Me either."



"Getting rear-ended in an accident is more annoying than anything else."



"I am going to carpe diem today right in its stupid face."



"Since 'Prego' means 'you're welcome' in Italian, is the sauce company being pretentious?"



"Here's a suggestion to spice up your shower. Wash your hair without wetting it first. Mind blown."



"Yes, sir. Buying a glass of wine, even at Disneyland, and then walking around talking about it makes you a douche."



"Tiger's Milk Bars...ever a mysterious concept."



"Is it ironic to look for a compass or map?"



"I think I'm going to be a Bridezilla."



"Old people love to open things. They must not get enough gifts."



"There are a limited number of Sudoku puzzles that can be created. Think about that one."



"Diet Dr. Pepper tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper...with aspartame."



"I need to know what goes through a person's mind when they decide to call someone while using a public toilet."



"It takes a real man to sip a pink drink."



"I never understood why kids get Labor Day off. Aren't they a big part of why a lot of us have to work so much in the first place?"



"Whenever you make a mistake, don't let it get you down too much. Remember, somewhere in the world, somebody is green-lighting another crappy Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel."