i suppose i should write a new blog because the old one is outdated as far as im concerned and i dont want to scare anymore people.
God is good, people! thats what i have been learning. he has taken away what i thought i wanted and shown me it is not at all what i need. he is so good!
and now i am thankful to say, i dont even want it anymore. praise him for his faithfulness even in the dark.
now the challenge lies in trusting God to fulfill his promises for me, to give me my future and hope. this is hard but at least my burden has been greatly lightened.
thank God for his joy.
p.s. any single girls...holler at your boy....jk?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
a plea for help
I thought about it again today. The big one, the "s" word. Suicide.
Weakness seems to be a core part of who I am now. Frailty seems to wrap itself around me. I feel like I'm doing well, and then days like today happen, and I'm back to square one.
I thought about her again today: my love, well, my love lost. The pain is so acute even now, as I type this; thinking about her, our relationship, and the way things happened seems to stab me over and over again. I wrote before about how I thought I may be ready for a new relationship and how I wasn't necessarily missing Kristen. Wow! I was so wrong! I am definitely missing her, and I am definitely not ready. I'm still pining after her like a dumb dog.
It makes me angry, how easily and quickly she gave up on me. It hurts to have to consider to myself that she probably didn't love me as much as I loved her. She wouldn't admit it, but I definitely had more dedication. But it also shows me how much I am worth: apparently nothing, because it took, according to my count, two problems for her to dump me, her "soulmate." She would tell you it was many problems, many mistakes on my part; here's the only problem: she never told me about them. They were mistakes I had no idea I was making. But I suppose I'm not worth the trouble and the effort to try and change. Best move onto somebody else. A partier and a pagan, good choice!
So with my self esteem in the garbage, my ability to like another girl and then do something about it nearly completely gone, and my attention focused almost solely on myself and how pathetic I am, I amount to a walking void in my eyes. I am a mass of nothing. I have nothing to attract, and I have nothing to offer. Tonight I prayed that God would cause me to get into an accident and die, so I wouldn't have to be in pain anymore. And the sad part is, I prayed that someone else would hit me, because I'm too afraid to do anything to myself. And to tell the truth, what is even more pathetic is that the only real reason I would hurt myself is so that she would feel a tinge of regret. I know she would get over it quickly, but she would feel. She would know how much I loved her, and she would regret it, if only a little, but my fear of death, pain, and how my parents and brother would react stay my hands from myself.
I don't really want to die, because part of me, I guess the part that God is tugging at, believes this will pass. But what I struggle with here is trusting that God will heal this. I thought he was for a few months until the feeling rushed back a few weeks ago. Now I feel like all the progress I made is gone. Why does God have to be so hard to trust? Why can't I see myself like he does? Why can't I have faith that he is in control?
Depression grips me hard. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed, but I force myself. I cry myself to sleep many nights. She has no idea what she has done to me, how much this has crippled me. I invested everything in her, and my investments proved fruitless.
WHERE IS GOD IN THIS?! I feel so lost at this point. I feel like I am wandering down a path of grief culminating in a lonely, pathetic death. There are days I feel there is no point to be alive.
So I guess this is a plea for help. But the thing is, I don't know how you can help me. I suppose all you can do is pray when you think about me, if you think about me. Pray that God grips me, and holds me close. I really want him here, but I am having no luck in trusting him. Pray he gives me that trust. Pray I see myself as he does: a precious child, who deserves love as much as Kristen does, and a real, selfless love at that. Pray that I believe there is a woman in this world who will love me. Pray that I would not seek love in another person to take God's rightful place. Pray that I gain a hunger and thirst for God's love, peace, joy, and word. Pray for his granting of strength for my soul. Pray that the devil's lies be bound from my ears, and instead may they be flooded with the Father's truth. Pray that I rid myself of my selfishness and instead love others with the passionate love of Jesus Christ. Pray that the Lord is enough for me.
thanks for listening,
stephen
Weakness seems to be a core part of who I am now. Frailty seems to wrap itself around me. I feel like I'm doing well, and then days like today happen, and I'm back to square one.
I thought about her again today: my love, well, my love lost. The pain is so acute even now, as I type this; thinking about her, our relationship, and the way things happened seems to stab me over and over again. I wrote before about how I thought I may be ready for a new relationship and how I wasn't necessarily missing Kristen. Wow! I was so wrong! I am definitely missing her, and I am definitely not ready. I'm still pining after her like a dumb dog.
It makes me angry, how easily and quickly she gave up on me. It hurts to have to consider to myself that she probably didn't love me as much as I loved her. She wouldn't admit it, but I definitely had more dedication. But it also shows me how much I am worth: apparently nothing, because it took, according to my count, two problems for her to dump me, her "soulmate." She would tell you it was many problems, many mistakes on my part; here's the only problem: she never told me about them. They were mistakes I had no idea I was making. But I suppose I'm not worth the trouble and the effort to try and change. Best move onto somebody else. A partier and a pagan, good choice!
So with my self esteem in the garbage, my ability to like another girl and then do something about it nearly completely gone, and my attention focused almost solely on myself and how pathetic I am, I amount to a walking void in my eyes. I am a mass of nothing. I have nothing to attract, and I have nothing to offer. Tonight I prayed that God would cause me to get into an accident and die, so I wouldn't have to be in pain anymore. And the sad part is, I prayed that someone else would hit me, because I'm too afraid to do anything to myself. And to tell the truth, what is even more pathetic is that the only real reason I would hurt myself is so that she would feel a tinge of regret. I know she would get over it quickly, but she would feel. She would know how much I loved her, and she would regret it, if only a little, but my fear of death, pain, and how my parents and brother would react stay my hands from myself.
I don't really want to die, because part of me, I guess the part that God is tugging at, believes this will pass. But what I struggle with here is trusting that God will heal this. I thought he was for a few months until the feeling rushed back a few weeks ago. Now I feel like all the progress I made is gone. Why does God have to be so hard to trust? Why can't I see myself like he does? Why can't I have faith that he is in control?
Depression grips me hard. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed, but I force myself. I cry myself to sleep many nights. She has no idea what she has done to me, how much this has crippled me. I invested everything in her, and my investments proved fruitless.
WHERE IS GOD IN THIS?! I feel so lost at this point. I feel like I am wandering down a path of grief culminating in a lonely, pathetic death. There are days I feel there is no point to be alive.
So I guess this is a plea for help. But the thing is, I don't know how you can help me. I suppose all you can do is pray when you think about me, if you think about me. Pray that God grips me, and holds me close. I really want him here, but I am having no luck in trusting him. Pray he gives me that trust. Pray I see myself as he does: a precious child, who deserves love as much as Kristen does, and a real, selfless love at that. Pray that I believe there is a woman in this world who will love me. Pray that I would not seek love in another person to take God's rightful place. Pray that I gain a hunger and thirst for God's love, peace, joy, and word. Pray for his granting of strength for my soul. Pray that the devil's lies be bound from my ears, and instead may they be flooded with the Father's truth. Pray that I rid myself of my selfishness and instead love others with the passionate love of Jesus Christ. Pray that the Lord is enough for me.
thanks for listening,
stephen
Monday, April 7, 2008
Girls, Girls, Grills
Ok. Here I am. Stuck again.
I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. I feel annoyed at work, I am being oppressed at church, and I feel separated from my friends. This would be enough for me to worry about as it is, were it not for the other huge problem looming over my head. The bane of all mankind: the woman. Well, women in this case as a whole; I'm lumping you all together into a pile of evil, a enigmatic whirlwind of confusion, flirtation, and disappointment.
Now, I have been very blessed and fortunate to have such a solid group of "girlfriends" if you will. God knows as a man I need to have a healthy view of women, and he has given me that with these young women. However, that is all they are: friends. Breaking up with Kristen has left me with an emptiness and a loneliness indescribable. I feel akin to Adam; I pretend I hear God say it's not good for me to be alone, and I keep feeling my chest to see if he's taken a rib yet.
Patience has never been my strong suit, and I was so ready to want to marry Kristen, that I think I feel I shouldn't have to wait this long to be on my way to be in that place again with a new girlfriend. I know I'm not ready for marriage, but I don't think I'm not ready for another relationship. Or maybe I do think that. Sure, I miss her, but, I think I'm in the place of missing the aspects of our relationship more than I actually miss her. This whole thing is so confusing.
My self-esteem suffers the most however, and this problem has existed long before Kristen came into my life. I see nothing desirable in myself, outwardly and inwardly. I hate myself. I look at myself, and I hate myself. I hate myself for being that superficial. I hate myself for not seeing myself as God sees me. I hate myself for being so weak. I am nothing. I show interest in girls, and they ignore me (or say they love me for two years then practically pretend it never happened). Even girls I am not interested in see me as some sort of second class. This is such a pathetic tirade against myself, a miserable pity party, and I hate me for that too.
I feel like this whole thing has changed my entire persona, that I can't pursue an interest, a)because I am pretty sure the girl I like is not interested, b)my charm/attractive level is about nil, c) I don't have the courage to even do or say a thing about it, and d)I am unable to even flirt anymore. Now I know flirt may not have been the best word, but how else to describe it? I used to flirt with girls. I flirted with Kris, I flirted with Taylor, I flirted with Victoria, I flirted with Kristen. It preluded all my relationships! Once I dated Kristen, I knew I couldn't do that anymore, and when we started talking marriage, I made it a priority to cut it out of my life. It was a part of who I was. When I did it, I didn't do it to cause the girl to necessarily like me, I did it inadvertently most of the time. But I removed it, and now when I go to hug a girl, or even touch her, even if she's just a friend, and I am not interested at all, my mind switches on an alarm, and my body forces me to perform the action in the most platonic way ever. I'm ruined! How will my "future wife" ever know I am interested in her if I'm too scared to tell her I like her or even touch her!?!?
One may say, "Wow! You worry too much!" Maybe.
Or maybe I really need help. Maybe this is a real problem I can't overcome. Pray.
I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. I feel annoyed at work, I am being oppressed at church, and I feel separated from my friends. This would be enough for me to worry about as it is, were it not for the other huge problem looming over my head. The bane of all mankind: the woman. Well, women in this case as a whole; I'm lumping you all together into a pile of evil, a enigmatic whirlwind of confusion, flirtation, and disappointment.
Now, I have been very blessed and fortunate to have such a solid group of "girlfriends" if you will. God knows as a man I need to have a healthy view of women, and he has given me that with these young women. However, that is all they are: friends. Breaking up with Kristen has left me with an emptiness and a loneliness indescribable. I feel akin to Adam; I pretend I hear God say it's not good for me to be alone, and I keep feeling my chest to see if he's taken a rib yet.
Patience has never been my strong suit, and I was so ready to want to marry Kristen, that I think I feel I shouldn't have to wait this long to be on my way to be in that place again with a new girlfriend. I know I'm not ready for marriage, but I don't think I'm not ready for another relationship. Or maybe I do think that. Sure, I miss her, but, I think I'm in the place of missing the aspects of our relationship more than I actually miss her. This whole thing is so confusing.
My self-esteem suffers the most however, and this problem has existed long before Kristen came into my life. I see nothing desirable in myself, outwardly and inwardly. I hate myself. I look at myself, and I hate myself. I hate myself for being that superficial. I hate myself for not seeing myself as God sees me. I hate myself for being so weak. I am nothing. I show interest in girls, and they ignore me (or say they love me for two years then practically pretend it never happened). Even girls I am not interested in see me as some sort of second class. This is such a pathetic tirade against myself, a miserable pity party, and I hate me for that too.
I feel like this whole thing has changed my entire persona, that I can't pursue an interest, a)because I am pretty sure the girl I like is not interested, b)my charm/attractive level is about nil, c) I don't have the courage to even do or say a thing about it, and d)I am unable to even flirt anymore. Now I know flirt may not have been the best word, but how else to describe it? I used to flirt with girls. I flirted with Kris, I flirted with Taylor, I flirted with Victoria, I flirted with Kristen. It preluded all my relationships! Once I dated Kristen, I knew I couldn't do that anymore, and when we started talking marriage, I made it a priority to cut it out of my life. It was a part of who I was. When I did it, I didn't do it to cause the girl to necessarily like me, I did it inadvertently most of the time. But I removed it, and now when I go to hug a girl, or even touch her, even if she's just a friend, and I am not interested at all, my mind switches on an alarm, and my body forces me to perform the action in the most platonic way ever. I'm ruined! How will my "future wife" ever know I am interested in her if I'm too scared to tell her I like her or even touch her!?!?
One may say, "Wow! You worry too much!" Maybe.
Or maybe I really need help. Maybe this is a real problem I can't overcome. Pray.
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