Window Into Me Pt. 1

I am still young, and have my whole life ahead of me, but I have already accomplished and felt many things. I have seen life come into this world, and I have seen it leave it. I have known what it means to love as much as someone can love another, and I have had my heart broken, and I have felt pain I never want to experience again. I have tasted fear, and I have been courageous. I have known what it means to have someone open their heart to you, and I have been lied to outright. I have been strong in tempation, and I have failed. I have seen God, and I have turned from him. I am as much a man, and I have seen enough of this world, as anyone.

Youtube....so stupid, yet so appealing

I want to make funny videos on youtube. I have no idea why, but I think I just want people to say I am humorous. I think I could make a popular video, but I have no idea what to make one about. I am idealess...(word?) Parody videos are lame, music videos are lame. I need a solid concept, original and beautiful in every way. I am have-ing extreme difficulty in producing one. If only the creativity fairy would come down and plant a big, fat magic blast right in the face. Until that wondrous and magical day, I must sit and conceptualize....

Life After Grief

Well, it has been a while since my last blog, and a lot has happened. Kristen and I broke up back in December for good, and I am devastated. It has been almost two months, but I feel like I haven't improved much. I'm stuck in what seems to be some accursed middle ground, where on one hand I know I need to get over her and move on with my life (and I want this), but on the other I still am very much in love with her, and I want her back with me (I want this more I think). However, the latter seems very much unlikely as she is with another guy and is serious about him. What still gives me hope though is that this guy is not better than me. He may be financially more secure, older and more ready for marriage, or even more courteous at times (which is always how the guy acts in the beginning), but his relationship with God seems weak at best. I don't believe the Lord is his priority, but at the same time I don't think he is her's either. True, they both may go to church or church group, but I think that's all there is. If I am to be a true contender for Kristen's love, her desires and her loves have to change. I cannot date her again if Jesus is not her true love first, and I think she has lost sight of that for now. Plus, she would have to love me again, and I don't know if she'd be willing to open herself up like that again to me, unless I change, and she sees the change in me, and even then, stubborness cripples people.

What hurts me the most through this whole thing, is she doesn't know how much I see in her, and how much I love what I see in her. God has let me see her potential for him, and it is enough to make any man fall in love with her. She is beautiful on the outside, and I have seen her beauty on the inside as well, and that's what makes her so hard to give up. Plus, she has been the only girl who really cared for me; the only girl I truly loved in all meanings of the word; the only girl who saw behind the facade of outer appearances, and saw me-who I was!

What I am struggling with is faith. Faith that God has someone for me. Someone who can do all the things Kristen could in our relationship, but better. I'm having a hard time accepting that it probably isn't Kristen. I look in a mirror and see myself, both outside and in, and I know that no girl would ever love me. I see my past, and I say "There is too much pain and grief here; no woman would ever want to be a part of that." I look at my heart and think, "You have been broken. Nobody will ever be able to fix it in the way you want." I look at my life, and I feel I have nothing left to offer. My self-esteem has plummeted so far down, I am at a loss how to climb out of this pit I have created. I know God is here, but he seems distant.

I thought I would overcome this, but it seems to be overcoming me. I try and try and try, but I feel like I am going nowhere. I pray for direction and peace, but all I feel is chaos and turmoil. I ask the feelings for Kristen to be taken away, but they come on stronger than before. I just wish I knew what to do, I wish I had the answers for myself, but I feel more and more confused each day. I wish I could handle this, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough.

I'm not sure if I'm holding myself back. I wonder if there is something I'm doing that is keeping me from moving on. I'm not in contact with her, so it's not that. I'm not reading her myspace or facebook, so it's not that. I'm not talking to her friends, so it's not that. I'm avoiding places she frequents or even may go, so it's not that. I think about her, but I try not to dwell on those thoughts. I write about her, but it's an outlet for my feelings, not an inlet. I pray for her, but how is that bad?! I hope for her love again, but that is a failed hope, and I'm not going to be a diehard for that. I am working hard to better myself: trying to finish school, staying busy at work and with my friends, and bettering my relationship with God. I honestly don't know what's keeping me back.

Maybe nothing is, and this is normal. I don't know. I just hope that the light at the end of my tunnel comes soon, because I feel like I'm wallowing in darkness, without any hope.